The Next Steps - 28th April

     Well if you have been following along our journey you'll know that about a week and a half ago we had one of those days. The kind of day that you remember, you mark it in your mind and by celebrating. We did on Thursday the 17th April at 4:17 by firstly jumping up and down, a couple of tears of joy and quickly planning a get together that evening at the RedFort (our favourite Indian restaurant, a one minute walk from our house) and driving to friends houses to alert them in person. We had been approved, the wait to reach that exit was over, now it was on to the next steps. We've had many questions tossed our way, what are the next steps? what do you do now? when does a child come to you? do you get one from the hospital? and on and on the questions have come. I'll attempt to give an overview, we'll see how it goes...

     Our agency has contact with local authorities all across the UK, and have access to the children who are in care and waiting for an adoptive family. Almost all of these children are in foster families, some since they were newly born and others at an older age after they were removed from their homes. Rebecca and I have been approved to adopt either 1 or 2 children up to the age of five. This means that we are eligible to adopt a sibling pair, twins or one child provided they are under the age of five.

     Essentially what happens is that we receive profiles of waiting children from our agency through email. There is a person at the agency who is a family finder and she connects waiting children profiles with people like us who are approved to adopt. These are usually short 2-4 page intros including a picture, some family background, a few thoughts from their social worker and the child's likes/dislikes. Sometimes we get a full report on a child/children which includes all the family background, names of people involved in their life/lives, reasons for removal from the home, hopes and wishes of the parents and much more detail. These can be exhausting to read through, but they are very useful in deciding if a child/children is potentially a right fit for our family.

     It is very weird to look through profiles of children, and to declare to ourselves and the agency that we cannot pursue them any further. By pursuing I mean that we ask for more information, we state that we are interested in our social worker making contact or of us being contacted, or of being shortlisted. If we are short-listed on a child/children then a date of meeting their social worker would be decided upon, and a visit to our home would take place.

     We have already said no to a couple of profiles, for various reasons we knew that we could not go further with the waiting children. We are certain that the right one/ones are out there though. We have not traveled this far in the process to rush things or to get frustrated, this is part of the excitement, just very different from the American process where we would be waiting to be chosen, now we are somewhat doing the choosing. We will continue to blog about this process realising that some of the information is confidential and we'll need to be quite vague at times, not using proper names, locations etc... until there are formal and certain aspects of the process in place. Thank you so much for standing with us and encouraging us up to this point, there is more to come and we so look forward to it all!

April - Back Story up till approval - April 23rd

Below is the blog entries through the first part of April, written in real time as to what we were thinking/feeling at the time, happy reading...

 

8^th April – God’s Timing

When somebody is coming up to significant birthday milestones like 40 for example taking stock in life is quite a normal activity. I have to say that I've been doing that, but in the midst of a coming party on Saturday, celebrations on Monday and getting cards from people a dark shadow continues to hang. As of this writing we are still unclear of our status as adopting parents. We have not been given the go-ahead, the agency has not asked for anything more which would indicate that they have all they need to make decisions. This is both comforting and concerning, if they do in fact have it all then why the delay? If they don't have everything then what else will be inquired about, what other forms may we have to produce.

            Unfortunately too often when times are difficult the response of well-wishing people (usually Christians) comes across as trite. This happens all the time at funerals and when really rough news about a person's health or financial situation comes into the light. Often it is said 'it's God's timing' or 'He works everything out for good' and while these are true that doesn't mean that they are easy to stomach. Again we have to remind ourselves that we are waiting on the news of a loved son in the military who has gone MIA or to find out if the delicate brain surgery was successful or not. We recognise it is not a life and death situation that we wait on tenderhooks for, but that does not mean that swallowing the pill of 'It's God's timing, and His is always best' is very easy accomplish.
            Of course our thinking could change, and very dramatically in a short space of time once we get that important phone call. Until then the protocol is to keep the mobile handy, have it charged and always turned on, even sound not just on vibrate mode.

10^th April – Did you send that Email?

I don't remember the first time I sent or received an email I suppose it was 11 years ago when my account at hotmail was set up with ETPR29 as the name, my nickname given by the youth group guys ETP followed by my age. My  how much has changed, now nary a couple of hours go by without an email coming in or being sent out. How often is an email recieved with an expectation of a response immediately or at least within the day. Long live the days of the letter where it traveled to it's destination or even the phone call now it's all pinged off on an email (or message, twitter etc...) It is all so immediate and instant.

How ironic with the waiting game that we've been playing that it seems like what we are waiting on now is an email. A person at the agency to send another person at the agency an email, once that little piece of communication takes place we can move forward to the final step of our approval process. It feels like it's been months since our panel meeting, actually it has been 3 weeks. At times we've been really relaxed like last week when we knew that the holiday of one of the contacts superceded our process. Or even the first couple of days when we simply did not expect a quick response.

This week has not been as easy, more or less with mobiles pinned to our hips waiting for the ring-tone to go off with the agency on the other end of the line. That's the way yesterday was, in town all day, hoping that I hadn't missed the call with all the sounds of the shopping district and traffic. As a result checking the mobile incessantly usually to find an email that had come in but not a missed call.Today we actually made a call rather than waiting on one, it was exceedingly helpful, even if only for our own psyche. We'll see about tomorrow or even later today, maybe a phone call or an email will arrive in the inbox. 

11^th April – Is Today the Day?

You probably remember asking that question as a little kid when you were excited about going on vacation or a visit from family members. 'Is today the day we go, or when they arrive?' it's frought with anticipation but also the unsurety of the happenings of the day. That's us, we are in that same place as most 4 year olds before the car is packed and the journey begins. We have had some marginally good news yesterday, we have been promised a phone call today, but not sure what will be said on the other end. We have reason to believe that our approval will be granted, and that it might be today, but we can't be for sure.

There isn't much we can be sure of, Ben Franklin famously said there are two things you can count on... death and taxes. He's mostly right you can count on those but I think there are more than that, one is the love of the Lord Jesus Christ throughout all of life's ups and downs and another one of those is change. Change is always happening around us and to us, maybe I'm thinking this way as I encroach further on being 40, being 'over the hill' as they say. It used to be life began after 40, now it's life begins after 60, if that's the case I'm still a toddler.

Rebecca and I have had our fair share of change, I suppose all married couples do, we've moved house, found new jobs, gone back to Uni, sold our possessions, moved to a new continent, gone to Bible school, lived with various people, started a new profession here, on and on it goes. We've been told that were good at change, whatever that means i'm not sure. That we can adapt and do it quickly, again that is probably a really helpful skill, but I might not want to use it as often as I do:) 

12^th April – Bordering on the Absurd

Yesterday near the end of another day which brought us no further news, I uttered a statement that our situation was getting absurd and that it means there must be a much greater reason for our waiting. In essence we are waiting on an email, it's already been agreed, it's been requested three times but with still no answer. Can we understand this? Nope, do we usually respond to emails immediately? Yup. Does that change our situation presently how we do things, it doesn't unfortunately. We have some really trustworthy and great people working on our behalf, some real advocates who are fighting our corner. As I sit here thinking about Palm Sunday tomorrow it does seem absurd but so did the Saviour of the world riding into Jerusalem aboard a lowly donkey not a war horse, coming in as a meager peasant would not a conquering hero adorned with medals. There are examples of absurdity all throughout the Bible, God has a way of using the absurd to get across the point of his power and plan, we're blessed to be part of that in our situation.

14^th April – Anticipation for Who Knows What

There are not that many days when you roll out of bed after a night of slumber and have no clue what the next day holds. It is a rarity in our society of intricately planned out diaries to have space, let alone a whole day where you don't know what will be taking place. For those of you who don't know today is my 40th birthday and along with the unknown of what the 40's will bring there is the immediacy of 'What does Rebecca have up her sleeve?' We both are quite good at planning special birthdays for each other, usually secrets even though we share an email account we find ways to plan in secret.

     Anticipation and reflection have been something I've been doing alot of lately. Last night Lizzie asked me what were three events over the last decade that sprung to mind. If you have not tried choosing just three events from a decade have a go, it's not that easy. It was really helpful to think back through and try to determine which ones had the most impact or the vivid memory. In addition to reflecting there is also the anticipating that comes along with a birthday and on this occasion a special one with a '0'.
      It feels like Rebecca and I are consistently waiting, another perspective could be that it is anticipating. Is that a lighter spin on waiting?  Does aticipating rather than frustratingly waiting take away the life-lessons of patience and long-suffering? In jobs past I have been accused of being overly positive, is that really a bad thing? I suppose looking at the glass half full, the silver lining is my m/o.. Along with that look at life comes the joy of anticipating, recognising that there is great stuff on the way, fun times, special occasions with special people.

      Of course with all the waiting that we've been doing with the adoption process (31 months from start time in Sept 2011) we have also had plenty of time to anticipate. We can't really plan but that is different from the excitment of anticipating what might be, how many children will we adopt, boy or girl, age of the child or children so much to look forward to. That is where we are presently in a space of looking forward and seeing what the next day brings us.

14^th April – Tomorrow, Tomorrow

I'm not a big fan of the musical Annie, I love musicals but for some reason have never gotten into that one. Surprising since it is the story of a little orphan girl who is taken in and finds a new life, but I haven't I really like others like Les Mis, Billy Elliot and Wicked to name a few. Anyway the song Tomorrow from Annie is incredibly well known and even I know that one, the promise of tomorrow only being a day away. That is where we find ourselves now in the adoption marathon, tomorrow looks to be the day of the decision. Will we be fully approved and moving on to the next stage of seeing profiles of children waiting to be adopted? It looks promising that tomorrow the siutation will be reached.

     We have learned long ago that depending on dates as promises is a foolhardy action, but that does not mean we can't be excited. There is always that possibility that the meeting doesn't happen or the right person happened to be out of the office, again all out of our control. What we can control is the ability to pray, to put our hope in the Lord Jesus and to continue riding this crazy rollercoaster of getting through the adoption process. Does it make sense to put many hopes and dreams on one day, probably not in the course of a life it is a very small amount, but wow does it feel long when you're awaiting a decision. I've been in that place before, you've probably been in that place before of knowing you gave a good interview but will you be chosen for the job? It can be so difficult to let the hours slip by, but what other choice is there? So tomorrow, tomorrow you're only a day away!

March - The Back Story - April 18th

Below is a number of entries that I wrote on the day so that the facts and emotion were not lost. I hope that you both enjoy and understand what our last couple of months have been like. Thanks to all who have been our unbelievable support throughout all of this.

Run up to the Big Day - March 16th

I have been asked various times in the last couple of weeks, 'what are you thankful for in the last week' each time my mind has gone to the forthcoming panel meeting. Various aspects of being thankful for the panel meeting, one of those being that it has been on our hearts but not on our minds. That saying has become a key factor in our daily lives, if the whole adoption process, the coming panel day, the 'what if's' were consistently on our minds it would be too much to handle. They are rather on our hearts, prayerfully considered, with many, many, many others standing with us.

      One positive of us a perspective adoptive couple is our wide network, it has been something that our social worker has stated many times. To us it is normal, to have throngs who are interested, ask questions, pray in the background, pray in the foreground and generally are involved in our lives. It means that the run-up to the big day of panel is not one that we are doing alone. This fact of knowing that we are not alone, that the Holy Spirit is with us daily and our friends/family around the world walking with us. Actually it is more running with us, the run-up to the big day, the excitement and hope that lies around the 19th of March. The unknown future that holds so much possibility for our family as it grows into who God has prepared it to be.

 Panel Day, parts 1,2,3 - March 19th

Part 1
     Today is a day unlike no other (everyday is, but you get my drift) it is an incredibly special one for the two of us. Our date with 12 people we've never seen before, 12 people we'll probably never see again, but 12 people who have a say into our future plans. I'll bet it feels a bit like going before a jury (I've never done that) knowing that in a few hours you'll be standing in front of a group of people whose job it is to analyze and draw conclusions.

     The day started per normal, getting up (albeit earlier than normal due to nerves) eating breakfast and then out the door for the familiar drive to Reading. After arriving via the park-n-ride bus we found ourselves enjoying a comforting cup of joe. We finished at Caffe Nero, looked at the clock and realized there was plenty of time left to burn, we were quite ahead of schedule. I know that it doesn't happen all that often in life, but running early can be a really helpful action or it can be frustrating. On this occasion it was neither, we were happy to be early, but did not want to have to wait for ages either, still we knew that 11:30 was coming!
Part 2
     What is the deal with waiting areas that are either sterile, have no reading materials, music source or even art on the wall? It does not make it any easier to pass time when there aren't any magazines to flip through, some music to hum along to or something on the wall to stare at. So be it, there we were waiting in a room we had frequented many times before during training, this time waiting to be called into the room on the other side of the wall. We sort of knew what await us, a horseshoe shaped grouping of tables with two chairs at the open end, they were going to be ours. Our social worker was in the waiting room with us, she is fabulous, really on our side a true advocate. We can't say enough about her abilities, her understanding of the process but ultimately about her care for us. We also were able to meet her manager who we had spoken with on the phone, so there the four of us sat.

     The protocol is for the social workers to go into the panel meeting to discuss our situation. This means anything from answering questions, giving clarity or pointing people to the corresponding portion of the report. This is not an easy job, in some respects at this point it is like the role of an attorney, bringing out our case and answering how we would. Usually after a few minutes then the ones who are adopting are brought in and asked a couple of clarifying questions.
      That is how it is usually done, if you know us you'll know that we don't end up doing the 'usual' very often. That's not by choice, one of our great friends in the UK says that 'we don't do things by halves'.
     Time goes by slowly sometimes. When you are anxious and unsure of when you might be called in, whether it be an interview or the doctor's office it's an example of the clock moving at turtle-like-speed. This was our case, the white-walled room, us sitting there, mobiles turned off so we were ready, again simply sitting there. We chatted as much as you can, we prayed again as much as one can, we simply sat there. At about 12:10 or so after being there for some 40 minutes we decided that praying was what we needed to press into.

    After maybe 5 minutes or so of really digging in a peace came upon the room, one that Rebecca felt and at the point we knew that we were ready, the path had been paved. What we were to find out post panel meeting was at about that time they were unsure if we were going to be called in at all. The waiting did continue for another 10 minutes or so, these were more managable for our emotions. Then the manager appeared and said that they were almost ready for us, another 5 minutes later, she, our social worker and the lead panel member came into our room. We were invited in to the actual meeting.
     I'd have to say that we were ready, there were some questions they pointed our way. We did our best to answer, our social worker had covered our situation very well, she had tied up our case very tightly. After about 10 minutes of answering their inquiries we resorted back to our familiar waiting room.
Part 3
This is quite short, after another few minutes of not knowing the lead person on the panel came and spoke with us. It was immense GREAT NEWS that we were approved by the panel, but and a big but was that another person in the organisation has to officially sign off on the approval first. Being approved was huge news and all of us celebrated quietly in the little white room. From there we simply exited and enjoyed lunch/shopping together. 

And so we wait - March 26th

Maybe 1 in 4 entries on this blog is about waiting, maybe less but it feels like at least a fourth. We have put our time in over the last 2 1/2 years since our first inquiry in Sept 2011. We have in fact waited for phone calls back, emails to come through, paperwork to be mailed, meetings to be set, airplanes to take off, important dates to arrive and so on. What the last week has felt like is at a different level.

     As I write this the famed Malaysian jet which disappeared somewhere into the Southern Hemisphere has not been found, they still can't say with 100% surety where the crash took place, did a crash take place, what happened to the passengers and why did this jet traverse so far off the given flight path. To the family and friends of the numerous passengers the wait for news at this point whether good or bad must be excruciating. They simply don't know, they are in a place of scared wonder, knowing that hearing nothing is as good as the worst news they could hear. Waiting for much anticipated updates and news is difficult in the best of times and nearly impossible in the worst of times.
              I am not intending to compare our situation to the horrific disappearance of the Malaysian jetliner, ours is not life and death in that sense. We have found ourselves in another intense space of waiting, eagerly expecting a phone call/email, some kind of contact from the adoption agency. It was only one week ago that we encountered our much anticipated panel meeting in Reading. In some respects it feels like weeks ago and at the same time it feels like a few minutes ago we were sitting, praying and waiting in the room on the other side of the wall. We understand in hind-sight the power of prayer happening during our meeting, the shifting of the panel members thoughts of who we were. We didn't realise it at the time but all changed after the intense prayer that took place at about 12:05pm.
            Following the great news that the panel had approved us we were so relieved but there was a caveat. There needed to be a sign-off from one other person before it could be official. This did not sound like it would be a radically difficult part of the process, a phone call, a meeting at most and then it's full steam ahead. Trouble is she is only around on Wednesday's and at that not the whole time. In our mind that was OK, we were in Reading for the day if we needed to be, but unfortunately it didn't happen that instantaneously. In fact here we are still awaiting the affirming phone call, the one that says 'yes' and congrats on this part of the journey being finished.
            It's raw, we've been with other people in the raw. We've seen heartache of crushing news, we've seen the massive disappointment of parents not doing their job of being the adults, we've sat and prayed with folks as they were the ones crying tears of sadness and frustration. In that respect we understand the raw, but that doesn't make it any easier in the present day.

Play-by-Play - March 27th-28th

When I was growing up there were a few dreams that I had, one was to be a sports broadcaster. I did get the opportuntiy to do a Goshen vs. Northwood basketball game on radio once and also a did a season's worth of Concord football streamed online. I so loved those experiences, it was great relaying what was happening on the court/field to those who couldn't be there to watch for themselves. There is of course much detail that needs to be expressed so that the listener can understand and imagine what is taking place. With our adoption process at times that is what it feels like, we're broadcasting our lives. That is a weird place to be I suppose, I'm not into Twitter but that is probably a bit of what it is like to tweet the latest.
     The latest is that we continue watiting, but we know that the top manager at our agency is working on the case. There is a peace of mind that comes with knowing that your situation is being looked at, and taken very seriously. It is also great to know that it isn't just sitting in a pile somewhere, reminds me of the ordeal with the visa a few months back. We didn't know our status at the point either, we simply were waiting but at that time with no point of contact then we were able to involve the MP in our quest for a granted visa request. Very soon after he put his hat in the ring we recieved the documents that we so desired, in that cast it probably wasn't being looked until a higher power was involved. In this case the top person is working on it, hence we are hopeful that there should not be too long of a wait. That's the play-by-play for today, if something more breaks we'll make sure to let it be known.
        Here I am driving back from getting our car repaired and I realise a missed call as I stroll into the house. It was the agency and of all times to be driving while we have a call that comes in which we have been waiting for. Trying to call them back but just getting a machine, we'll keep trying though no reason to put the brakes on now!
     I was able to talk with them, it wasn't good news, there is more information that they require. It does feel as though we are one step behind in being able to deliver all the details that they request. The reality is that we are able to provide, and as a result we plug forward. Fast forward now to the 28th...
            I missed the mobile ringing again, this time I was in a meeting at the deli and didn't hear it ringing. Rebecca saw an email that came through and came to get me so that I could respond since my mobile was the number called. I quickly paid for my soup/sandwich and made my way home hastily. After leaving a message, we decided that Rebecca would go ahead and get the info needed. My friend John was coming over for us to talk over a couple of upcoming church gatherings and during this time Rebecca texted to ask to let her know when I got ahold of the agency. John and I stopped, prayed specifically that we would be able to get through, that Rebecca wouldn't have to wait either. The agency called not 5 minutes later, Rebecca called at the same time, it's not easy listening on one phone, talking on another, switching back and forth, oh the hilarity of that 5 minutes:)
  
      After hanging up it looked like we were going to be waiting for another few days but then Rebecca called back to say that she had the info already. Almost instantly the receptionist had made contact, and had recieved an email with the info needed. This was unexpected so I called the agency back to say that they could expecting an email in the next while. We then prayed that the email would come and not 2 minutes later it was in our inbox. That's some play-by-play for ya'll.

 Deflation - March 31st

Inflation is a word used in commerce and it is used when blowing up a balloon or filling something with air. The opposite of that is deflation, like when the blown up balloon hasn't been tied yet and then it rapidly shoots the air all over as it flies all over when let go. The balloon deflates quickly and quite out of control. As much as we wanted to have 'yes' as much as we desired to have this portion of the journey over, we had to endure another deflating phone call.

This one came late on Monday afternoon after I had been trying very unsuccesfully to pound a groundspike into our back garden. I was flustered after realising that the clothesline pole didn't fit into the spike, and then to make matters worse I found a way to accidently jam a plastic cylinder into the spike as well, meaning that it now couldn't work as the pole wouldn't go in hardly at all. If you know me you know that D, I and Y are not in the name Earl. So I was already really bothered when a call we had hoped would come came!

I gave up on the groundspike debacclement and followed Rebecca to the front-room where the conversation was moved to speaker phone. There wasn't really good or really bad news that the man from the agency shared, it was deflating though. Basically the person who needs to look more at the forms we had efficiently emailed on the previous Friday was not around this week, she's on holiday. I thought something like this might happen, we do all that we can, and then because a particular person is on holiday then our timetable is changed. Of course there is nothing practically that we can do about it, we simply have to accept it and carry on.

Maybe it is all down to the timing of God and when we do get a firm approval the timing will be just right for the right child. Maybe we are to learn something in the waiting even though so close to this finish line. Probably it is a combo of both and more, but that does not make it easy to stomach. Yup deflating but we'll carry on, that's what we do. 

Long Awaited...Seal of Approval - April 17th

4:17 pm Thursday afternoon, THE PHONE CALL came, we've been ready by the mobile now for 4 weeks, since the 19th of March. On the other end of Rebecca's mobile was our social worker, she had good news, no great news, make that THE NEWS we've been eagerly awaiting and praying for.

This is the seal of approval, we have been officially approved to adopt here in the UK, that part of this arduous journey has come to completion. As I have told friends this process is like the Tour De France, it's one leg after another of a race, each one different and each one extremely intense. This last stretch was like we could see the finish line but for some reason could not cross the tape. That tape has been crossed, that part of this journey has been passed, we now move forward.

Feel free to tell anyone and everyone about this news, have your friends check out the blog, and when you get the time enjoy the back story of the last two months.