We have wanted to adopt for quite sometime and now we are on that journey. Please follow along with us, ask questions, make comments, join us as we adopt and see our lives change once again!
What a fantastic weekend we had just had, 60 people at our house to celebrate Rebecca's 40th bday, many phone calls, cards, facebook hello's all to commemorate the big day. January had so much going on with our team retreat from the churches to the planning of and the day of the party. One of the other aspects of the celebrations was going together for a couple of days to London. This sounds like a relatively easy venture but getting to London and getting around the city takes time, effort and money. We had a fab day at the Toussad's wax museum and found our apartment in Stratford after a bit of searching. On this occasion it was decided that I would plan the next day and I had decided that the science museum would be a good idea for our day's plans. Rebecca didn't exactly jump at those suggested plans but on the flip side she did not want to sadden or frustrate me by declaring a lack of interest in that idea. How I missed the warning signs I'm not sure, it wouldn't take the most perceptive among us to ascertain her internal thoughts of ... really that's what were going to do?
After taking the Central line through to the museum district we walked through a long pedestrian subway which led to the science museum, natural history museum and the Victoria + Albert museum. We saw signs for the V + A, it looked very interesting but plans are plans so we almost bedrudgingly carried on to the science museum. The sounds of many children greeted us from the entrance hall but after making our way to a short bathroom break we were ready to go explore. Another gaggle of children was present in the main hall, a couple more classes in the space hall and more in the next exhibit.
Being a museum with many children is nothing new to either of us after years of being the adult in charge on school field trips. This was not a field trip, it was celebrating Rebecca's birthday but everywhere we turned were reminded of teaching and reminded that we did not have a little one to be pushing around in a buggy or answering limitless questions of why? as one walks around a science museum. The frustration, sadness and despair flowed out on the 4th floor corridor across from the elevators on a little solitary bench tucked right next to the wall, away from the masses. A few tears, hugs, silent prayers and the decision to go to the V + A instead was made, the right one for that day. The remainder of that Thursday was wonderful with honest conversation, laughs, great food and the recognition that while we were in a raw place emotionally we were not only going to be ok but that we also felt we had a plan moving forward.
That time of your life when hope turns to despair is not easy to live through. That turning can be instantaneous in the example of a car wreck that takes loved ones or it could be a long drawn out process of a debilitating disease. To some extent that slide downward into despair happens to everybody no matter how upbeat and positive somebody might be. In the case of Rebecca and I we could feel our hope for the adoption starting to slide into despair. It might have been in a conversation where we hoped the 'a' word did not come up knowing that our answer of
'No we haven't heard anything yet'
would be received with another dejected expression accompianed by the awkardness of what else are we going to talk about. As time carried on the inevitable questions and comparisons to the UK system started to become less frequent and in many aspects that was much easier.
While the slide into the despair of our situation seemed to subside for quite a while in the back of our minds we knew that March was coming and the one year anniversary of being approved. In a previous blog post from late 2012 I wrote that we were in a waiting place and that was OK. The reality is that it is almost impossible to be in a waiting pattern wholly. While waiting we knew that hope and grace were beginning to fade away. The motto of the adoption 'on our hearts but not on our minds' had also shifted as it was squarely on our minds, if not everyday very close to it.
The feeling reminded me of when driving and the gas light comes on and is staying lit. I know I can still drive, for a few more miles but that orange hue emanating from the dashboard reminds me every time my eye catches it that I've got to either fill up or run out to be stranded. For us we knew that the months of waiting had taken their toll emotionally and new with the update on our homestudy being due in March we had approached another crossroads.
Many questions abounded from where do we do the homestudy from, how much will it cost, what other paperwork needs to be submitted and a whole host of other questions. With the arrival of new questions also comes the uncertainty of answers and what that could mean for the future. Would we need to make another trip to Indiana? If so how difficult would that be to face family and friends in person only to say
'we are still waiting and just here to update files'
that myriad of copycat conversations did not sound like a very inviting situation to be dropped into. So the slide from hope to despair concerning the adoption picked up speed in earnest after 2013 began.
It has been almost a half-year since our last post on this adoption blog. There's good reasoning for that, there has not been anything to write, at least nothing that we knew of which was concrete. Well that has changed, before you get too carried away we don't suddenly have a child, but we do have some very interesting and good news.
We have been increasingly looking into working with the possibility of adopting in this country and as of two days ago we had confirmation that a charity here has agreed to work with us. This means that we will stop our process in America and begin it here. The goal of this charity is to have the approval process and child placement completed within a 12 month period. As you know we have waited a long time, we have been engaged with this process for about a year and a half, so being involved another year feels ok to us.
There will be much more detail on this blog over the next couple of weeks as all of our thoughts, important dates, conversations etc... will be chronichled, so please check back about every other day for the latest which will start with an entry from January. Blessings to you all, and welcome back to our adoption journey, which now has changed in direction.
Friday night was another time of singing carols like Joy to the World, this time it was at Festival Place outside of Starbucks here in Basingstoke. A time to sing of the joys of Christmas and the excitement that comes along with the season. There have been many other times of singing carols as well whether it's at home along with Spotify, in the village square, around a neighbourhood, or during carol services as well. Many of the carols that we sing are about joy, gladness, being merry, hosanna in excelsis. Not all carols though deal only with joy, some deal with the despair felt before the King comes, the yearning for God to be with us like O Come O Come Emmanuel. Check out the striking words of the third verse of It Came Upon a Midnight Clear as they read: (Listen to version by Sixpence None the Richer below)
Yet with the woes of sin and strife
The world has suffered long;
Beneath the angel strain have rolled
Two thousand years of wrong
And man, at war with man, hears not
The love song which they bring;
O hush the noise, ye men of strife,
And hear the angels sing
Those lyrics don't paint the rosiest picture, woes, sin, strife, wrong, war that's all quite accurate to our world today. After arriving home buzzing from the evening of proclaiming the King in the open air I went to facebook and post after post wrote about a tragedy, people saying 'how could this happen' and once again it was either another shooting or bombing that had taken place. Very quickly joy turned to sadness, and of course confusion of 'why?. The Sandy Hook shooting was a different level for me, I remember so fondly having a classroom full of kids and putting myself in that situation of a gunmen running rampant around them sends a shiver up the spine. I think of my Mom who has taught little ones for 40 years or so and the horror of that situation if it were to happen at ECA. I thought of Rebecca and what it would be like at West Side if a shooter was roaming the halls, certainly not a joyous time.
Yesterday morning was such an interesting and eye-opening time as we handed out mince pies from the churches together in Overton outside of the Co-op grocery store and sang carols in the square. For those of you who don't know what mince pies they are little cakes with a spiced fruit filling and we put them in a bag along with an attractive card from the churches. It was so weird to say 'happy Christmas' to the shoppers leaving the store and sometimes getting the response of head down, no or simply no response at all. Personally I would think if it is being given away free almost all if not all would want to take them. It is the most wonderful time of the year, we are giving away a free piece of pie with no strings attached and often we were met with a frosty reception. It reminded me of the other day when I was handing out Christmas cards door to door on behalf of the churches and a guy came out from his back garden reached through the gate and moaned Merry Christmas back to me with all the vigour of a turtle told he'd have to run a 5K.
Why am I writing about this and in some respects making a deal? It's because in our lives there is a juxtaposition of joy and sadness that we deal with daily. During this season of Christmas it is not hard to find much joy, and on the other hand it is not difficult to find sorrow and sadness also. The highs of singing in the mall vs. the lows of the news of the Connecticut shooting, the highs of friends/family around the tree with presents and the lows of knowing there are so many who don't have those memorable times of Christmas morning. All of this has brought me to our adoption process and the joy/sadness, ups/downs that exist together in tension.
For us there have been many ups, including the excitement of last February, the news of being approved, getting a gift of cash, the little chats that Rebecca and I have had throughout the year that nobody else has heard. In contrast there are lows, finding out that we were not chosen while in Indiana, not having any more news to dispell to people, essentitally not being chosen yet. It has gotten harder as the year has gone on, continuing to have to share with people that we don't have any news (for us that is reality and we are ok with it) for some hearing it they feel bad for us and assume that we are in bad place. That is not the case, we are in a waiting pattern, we're not the first and we'll not be the last. Not unlike the people whose cry was O Come O Come Emmanuel, they waited 400 years for a Messiah, as written before on this blog Abraham waited 25 years until Jacob came along. We carry on living with adoption on our hearts but not on our minds and remembering that the best things come to those who wait.
These past couple of days have been interesting ones, it has been half-term so not as much going on around here. Sometimes it seems so busy with seeing people, meetings, study, other stuff that takes up space and time that it would seem almost impossible to have little ones running around. Other times like these last two days it would seem like the norm, like the way it should be. If you are a loyal reader of this blog you'll know that we continue to wait for our opportunity to have the little ones running around. Is waiting tough? Yes. Are we in a place of peace? Yes. Do we so desire adopting? Yes, interesting that while I was sitting here Rebecca exclaimed that it is National Adoption month, isnt' that great there is such a thing.
We went through the process of applying for a grant to cover some of the cost of the adoption, finding ones that we can actually apply for and meet the criterion is a job in itself. There is much help out there for families but most are for overseas adoption, or for special needs situations. Anyway we did apply and received the news today that we were not given any help by the organization, there are simply too many applicants and not enough money. Isn't that wonderful there are too many applications to wade through, unfortunatley there is not enough finance for each one. Compare that with a stat that Rebecca read the other day which said there were 60 newborn to 1 year olds adopted in the whole of the UK in 2011. Drink that in, that's 60 adopted in a country of nearly 70 million people. Last year in the UK 189,000+ abortions were carried out, while 60 adoptions of newborns to 1 year olds took place. Our fabulous agency in Indiana may have 10 in one month. That's one agency in one state in one month. Doesn't seem the same problem of too many applicants looking for help lies here. Actually they're certainly many wonderful families who would love to adopt, we know some ourselves. Their stories tend to revolve around difficulty within the system and a general lack of any expediency on the part of the system. Either side of the pond there are walls to climb over and roads to walk.
As I sit here on my couch typing I am listening to the soundtrack to the film October Baby. If you have not heard of the movie is it based on two real- life situations where babies who were supposed to be aborted were actually born. While the movie is not a blockbuster, has it's flaws and is somewhat predictable it does tell and show the story of the power of life. Hannah the college freshman who was not supposed to be has much to offer, she is very talented and carries so much possibility within her. She has been brought up without knowing her past, and when she finds out some of the truth it rocks her. She has not been raised in an open adoption, rather it has been very closed to the point where she does not really know who she is. It is a film with tear-jerking moments, one to make you think and crackin soundtrack. Below is the track Life is Beautiful by the Afters, it is the title track of the film with some footage of the film.
We are keen to engage with an open adoption, meaning one where the child is fully aware of their situation as being adopted, knowing their birth mother, father if all parties are up for that. This might be considered an odd arrangement but how great for the child to know the one who was willing to give birth and life. We of course look forward to raising that child, to seeing the possibility and destiny within their life. As I've written in previous blogs if you are someone who prays then please continue to do so for us, if you are not then I welcome to remember us or even give prayer a try, we certainly value any and all support from our friends and readers.
When you are on holiday in a foreign country there are many expectations including, new cultural experiences, great regional cuisine, travelling problems, awkward yet funny instances of languge misunderstanding, seeing historical buildings just to name a few. What you don't expect is to have your emotions rocked. Maybe at a museum like the Latvian Occupation Museum which chronicles the period of 1939-1990 when the land and people were occupied by either Soviet or Nazi forces you would expect to have emotions stirred. We only made it through the exhibit up to 1941 in our hour there, at that point our emotions were already quite affected. A beautiful land that was added to the Soviet regime in 1939, lost 1,000's to deportation, was then occupied by Nazi Germany in 1940. Out of the 70,000 Jews who lived in Latvia only 1,000 made it till the end of WWII. By the time we got to 1941 when Russia took control again we were tired and ready to think about something lighter.
We had gone on a tourist tram ride and seen some peculiar statues. We were very eager to get much closer to them and see what they commemorated, probably the number of children killed in the deportation or lost in the wars throughout the years. We strolled through Old Town on the way to the park which snakes along with the canal so that we could enjoy a boat ride through town and out on the Daugava River. The little monuments were those of babies but not ones whose parents had died in war or babies killed in occupation. They were 40 identical monuments of babies who were never born. A story was written beneath each one as told from a mother to the pregnancy crisis centre in Latvia. They were all stories of babies who were aborted for various reasons including unwanted pregnancy, to busy for a baby, not mature enough, too much abuse in the home, not the right time and a plethora of other excuses to abort. A chilling account of the guilt that mothers live with day in and day out.
We were rocked, not expecting to encounter something like this in a foreign land, one where abortion had been accecpted and at times encouraged throughout the years. What struck me were the many aspects of why this was such an effective exhibit. Firstly when was the last time you heard/read about pro-life/anti-abortion that was tasteful, not in your face yet very poignant and culturally relevant? This was it. The demonstration took place on one of the busiest squares in the city as we read each account at least 20-30 people were milling around us no doubt being affected at some level. Think about it, if one pregnant lady is passing by contemplating abortion how much effect could this exhibit have on the her life and the one in her womb? Each little monument was exactly the same size, shape and colour. Each little life had been terminated and not given the opportunity to be endlessly varied from each other. One of the amazing aspects of our lives is the manifold differences that we each carry from one person to the next. Those little stones representing terminated lives were all repeats of each other, they never were really started in living out their lives. The Crisis Pregnancy Centre of Latvia protrayed this display so well, how great would it be to have this kind of statement in the town centre of Basingstoke or wherever you live? We were told recently by a doctor here in the UK that 1 in 3 pregnancies in the UK end up in termination of a baby. How hard is it to stomach that figure? If exhibits like this, adoptions of little ones and change of hearts/laws take place God willing that ratio will not be so bleak in the future. I trust that you are moved as we are looking at the pics from this exhibition, do also enjoy a few other shots from our great holiday to Lithuania and Latvia.
A picture frame in Cesis, a little town in Lavia
Our apartment 9 Palasta
The mighty Baltic Sea off the Curonian Spit in Lithuania
Reflecting back on a whole year can be a tall task. It was just 365 days ago that the renewal of our thoughts and plans on adoption took place. In some respects much has happened over the year period but then from another angle much is still the same. Throughout the twelve months we have in chronological order; been on a holiday to Somerset, been informed that we'd have to move, planned our America trip, found a place to live in the village, gone to Indiana for a month, moved 2 1/2 weeks later, introduced Nooma our lilac Burmese kitten into our lives, had various houseguests, 3 large church/village events all affected by poor weather, enjoyed the Queen's Jubilee and Olympics here in England, been on a trip to Lithuania/Latvia and carried on with normal life and it's ups and downs. (whew long sentence) There has been plenty going on, for any of you who have moved house you know how strenuous plans can be. Acquiring the rental on a new place, transfer of funds, moving out of one house into another, coordination of the logistical side of things and what do you do with your stuff at the new one? It is much more than a couple week process.
Clearly this year has been highlighted by our adoption process (hence the blog) and that too is logistical, financial and administrative tas which can be quite consuming. While consuming it is also so worth it much like excerise which is a commitment that is painful but healthy in the short and long run. Like stated before this year has brought with it much change but also much has stayed the same as well.
Last September 13th we were without child or children and the same applies to this 13/9 as well. This is both difficult and the norm at the same time. We are used to life without having kids to consider in all decisions, without having the extra mouth to feed, but we are more than ready for that to change. As of this writing a year that position has not changed as we carry on waiting. What will this blog entry look like on September 13th 2013 who knows? We have been around long enough to know that nothing is certain, it simply is not wise to count one's chickens before they hatch. This is not say that all is doom and gloom, by no means! Death and taxes are all that are gauranteed according to the saying and in our lives we are attempting to keep the tension between our hopes/desires and the reality of our situation at the forefront of our prayers. I do look forward to the entry on 13/9/13, what will be written, thought and what pictures will adorn the page? For now let's simply write about 13/9/12.
Admittedly it has been a while since last blogging, for that I'm sorry. I have been doing much writing but not on the blog, drumming up content has not been easy. It seems like a broken record being played when the only news you have is not having news. Saying 'no we haven't heard anything' does get old and it gets deflating. But we have so many great friends here and there who are so careful not to ask us too often and they truly want to know the latest but not by putting us in difficult spots. For this I am so happy, would I like, no love, no be ecstatic to scream from the hilltops that we have news of course, but in the land between we are well cared for by those who love us. This phrase land between seems to make a bunch of sense right now for us, we're somewhere in the process of waiting, we've finished the practical on one end and have loads of practical on the other end. This is a bit like being in the middle of walking across a wood suspension bridge or an open highway near no gas stations with hardly any signs, you don't have any choice but to keep walking or driving.
Is it a comfortable place, no in a word, but then again we don't call the shots. If moving to England and leaving what was so known to us has done anything it has taught us faith, faith at a different level. If joining the adoption process has taught us anything it's faith and at a higher level. The last entry was about Abraham, and it's not a shock that his story comes up constantly, whether it be a prayer meeting, conversation, magazine article you name it. His journey taught him and his family much but I'm sure that a greater level of faith was lesson number one.
If there is a concern that i have with the blog is that it will turn into a public place to moan, that's not the desire. Rather it is a blank page and forum for thoughts and for invitation for you our readers to join us in prayer. If you know us well you'll know what to pray, you don't have to tell us you are, just let them rise. If you happened across the blog then we welcome prayer for a reassurance of God's timing, His hand at work in the adoption process and faith to rise within us. Thank you all for your care and prayer.
What do you say to people or blog about when there is seemingly nothing new under the sun to blog about? Once again this past weekend we encountered a vast number of people, this time at the Sheepfair Festival here in Overton. When we run into many who know about our situation there is generally one question that comes up in conversation and it usually arises very quickly. Can you guess what it is? It is 'have you heard anything yet' and the response that we give of no we haven't usually puts a damper on the conversation. In life most things tend to move along at a quick pace whether it is seeking and finding a new job, or deciding to go back to uni and getting involved in the courses, or dating and realizing that he or she is your spouse to be. Of course life does not always move fast though, I know of plenty of people who have been out of work for an age and are still in that status. I've known some who would love to go back to university but can't based on either finance or their situation in life does not warrant that type of commitment. What about the person who seeks a spouse for years and years without this dream becoming reality. Facing a situation that you so desperately would like to see changed but knowing that there is next to nothing you can do to change it is not an easy task. In our case the reality is that we have done all a perspective parent can do, we've done the training, created our profile, been through the rigours of interviews and so on. As I've blogged about in the past we have chosen to adopt, but we cannot adopt a child until we are chosen.
Does it get tiring answering the same set of questions? Sure it does. This past weekend Rebecca and I were once again reflecting on life, it is good to do that from time to time, and she discovered that this part of our journey is precisely for us as well.
More than once we've compared ourselves to Abraham and Sarah in the Bible, we didn't leave our land to an unknown land rather one that we knew where we were going. What all we would face in that new land we were quite unclear about, but we did expect a level of safety that Abraham and Sarah probably most certainly did not have. One of the more important or well known facts of their lives was their hearing of God that Abraham would be a father to a nation, a father to the number of stars in the skies. Being childless meant that this prophecy was quite impossible, but alas the Lord had other plans in place. After a waiting period of some 24 years Abraham and Sarah did have a child, well past the time when she should have been able to give birth. Their faith was no doubt tested and grown through this extended waiting period, now we have not been waiting for nearly that long. In fact since being approved it has been about 4 months while they waited 288 months so we've put in 1/72 of the amount of time that they waited. I suppose in that perspective we have much faith to grow. It is true that the best things in life are usually worth waiting for.
It has been a little while since last blogging about our adoption process and a few excuses could be made for this lack of updating on our journey. We could say because we are busy so it has been really hard to find time to write, or that our computer has been in the shop now for 16 days, but these while true are not the real reason. The other night we watched a brand new TV show called 'Newsroom' (Aaron Sorkin's new show, it is fabulous you must check it out) and one of the main points was delivering of the news in a bright accurate, interesting and attention grabbing manner.
I think that is quite possible when dealing with headliners such as an earthquake, hostage situation, important election, kidnapping etc... but it is that feasible when there does not seem to be any news to bring. It's a bit like Seinfeld the show about nothing that was ultimately about relationship, reality of daily life and connected with so many because it wasn't big story after big story. That is the way that our adoption process has been going, not really any news to report, rather it is the reality of everyday life whether involved in a church focused activity, cutting the hedges, making dinner, playing LOTR Risk or playing the guitar. So while we have this huge aspect of our lives bubbling away in the background there is life being lived in the foreground.
In talking the other day I said it was like adoption was on our hearts but not on our minds. It's hard to gauge how true this actually is. Worry starts to creep in and the thoughts of 'is this for real' 'will we actually be chosen as parents' invade the mind and the resting place of waiting for His timing start to be eroded with our own stopwatch. It is accurate to say that adoption is in our hearts, we long for this to happen in our lives and for friends that we know who are going through the same type of processes to see their dreams realized through adoption. So going back to the news metaphor there really isn't any, doesn't make for the most excitng blog in the world does it? We continue to wait much like we had in previous months, although now maybe more seasoned and measured in our waiting. The old saying good things come to those who wait is accurate, and usually the waiting is an undisclosed amount of time.
If you are told you'll have to wait for 20 minutes until the table is ready in the restaurant you simply put your name in and either carry on shopping or chatting waiting for the call. If you go up the hostess and she would say your wait would be 5 1/2 hours nary would there be many who stay at that establishment especially if there were others available. But what if that were the only option (I know not an accurate representation of much of the world around us) and there were no other ways to get a meal 5 1/2 hours wouldn't seem so crazy amount of time to wait. We have been told to wait until chosen, whether that is 20 minutes or 5 1/2 hours we don't know, but we do know that having a little life in our care is worth the wait. Much like the Newsroom when there is breaking news we'll be there for you, but until that point we'll carry on delivering the news of waiting and our thoughts/feelings about this amazing journey which we've embarked upon.
